It's true you can call me a Grinch or a Scrooge if you want to. I really don't care. I have nothing against the commercialization of the holiday, that's actually my favorite part. Here is why I don't like Christmas music, I just take issue with songs that suck. Simple as that, I don't hate Christmas, just shitty songs, and at what time of year do radio stations play non-stop shitty songs? The correct answer is all year, but what I mean is when do they play extra shitty songs? That's right during Christmas.
You can not tell me that Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer is a good song. You can say it's a sentimental song, that it's tied back to your youth and reminds you of your sugary sweet childhood and your Eddie Bauer turtlenecks, but you can't say that it's a good song. It's corny, it's maaaad corny. Fuck Frosty, Grandma got ran over by a reindeer? Seriously? Who needs to hear that bullshit? It's gross, not in subject matter but just in general.
I used to work in a mall, they played Christmas music during the holidays. Kind of expected, I can deal with that. Most of the songs irritated me, some infuriated me. This one sticks out as one of the worst songs I have ever heard, Christmas themed or otherwise.
You want an alien for Christmas? I hate you. Good news though, this song still gets played because regardless of whether or not a song sucks, if you mention snow, some jackass will put it on a, "Now That's What I Call shitty Christmas Music vol. 68." Other honorable mentions for worst Christmas music, The New Kids On The Block and the entire, "Funky, Funky Christmas" album and Bob Dylan with his weird holiday album. Do we really need to hear Bob growling about Santa Claus?
Now with all that being said, I would be remiss to not acknowledge that .02 percent of Christmas music that doesn't entirely suck. Someone would yell at me if I didn't mention, "All I Want For Christmas Is You," by Mariah Carey. It doesn't suck Jingle Bells sized balls, and I acknowledge it as a well executed Christmas song. But I am more of a Dean Martin, "Baby It's Cold Outside" kind of guy. Nat King Cole can sing about whatever he wants too, chestnuts on fires. Hmm, sounds like a horrible idea for a song, but Nat will make it work. The, "Charlie Brown Christmas" soundtrack is also extremely well done. I am a sucker for Vince Guaraldi. I am also a fan of Mayer Hawthorne. You might be able to tell with his mention in every other post. Anyway, two of the things that I like; Vince and Mayer are united on this song, "Christmas Time Is Here." Mayer just posted it yesterday and, shieet even I can't be mad at it. Merry Christmas. *Adjusts turtleneck*
Here's what Mayer had to say, "All the best Christmas songs were written by Jews, and Chanukah songs suck. This is my favorite Christmas tune, sung over the Vince Guaraldi instrumental." Mayer Hawthorne - Christmas Time Is Here by Mayer Hawthorne
I Wish You Love" Is your standard that was fun I have a broken heart now but I wish you luck in your future romatical endeavors kinda song. Actually I can't think of many songs like that. Most songs seem to deal more with the loss as opposed to the acceptance of loss. Ex: every song ever written. Ok maybe not but basically most songs are either about the search for love or the loss of love. This is no exception, the main difference being the singer's acceptance of the past and the ability to not hold it against the person that they still love. Does, "It's Too Late" by Carole King kind of fit in that category? Just checked and yeah it does.
"There'll be good times again for me and you
But we just can't stay together, don't you feel it, too
Still I'm glad for what we had and how I once loved you."
These acceptance songs are kind of refreshing. Instead of wanting to burn her house down and stab any guy that gets within a 25 mile radius of her, he is like, that's cool....ouch...no really have a good time, I really do think he means it though....unlike SOME people I know, *points over shoulder at person pointing at him*....Wait...a...minute..Damn mirrors...
"My broken heart and I agree, that you and I will never be, so with my best, my very best, I set you free."
And just so you know, he isn't speaking about unlocking the cage, turning off her GPS tracking so she goes "off grid" or untieing her hands, he is talking about letting go of his hopes for reconciliation and the life that he pictured for them. At least I think so.
First up to bat is Dean Martin. You know this guy, at least I hope so. For those of you out there who don't listen to Grandpa music or are not in fact Grandpas, for shame!!
"Who the hell doesn't know who Dean Martin is? The boys at the IHOP would laugh you right outta our 11:00 AM meeting if you came in spouting some nonsense like that, "Who's Dean Martin? Why I outta...damn whippersnappers with their rappidy hop and the buttock shaking..their pony riding and wanting to make love to people, on their bended knees. I used to be able to bend my knees. Back in my day you courted you didn't freak, and a freak was something bad, not something you would embrace. Eagles were birds and butterflies were insects, when did they become burlesque show movements. These pre-pubescent children with their gyrations, it's just so tawdry. I just saw the state of Florida has a new song out, well I'll tell you something sunshine state, it's all just noise to me, noise I say!! I don't even know what an applebottom is, it used to be the bottom of an apple, but something leads me to believe it's something suspicious in this day and age. Bunch of ruckus, It's a God damn shame."
Listen to Dean's version, it's undeniably smooth. He coolly rides the rhythm. Dean never seems to exert himself, projecting a voice that just easily saunters across the melody and music that backs him. The light flourishes of strings combine for a nice airy confidence that lightly tugs on heart strings and guides you through the song. The acceptance part is prominent in this version, the unaffected vibrato of Dean's voice while slightly twinged in remorse and pain from the loss never fully emotionally bubbles to the surface. He steadfastly remains the calm crooner. When he dips to the lower registers you can feel the pain but the arrangement totters between something apt for a nice Summer day spent in a hammock and a song to be listened to while sitting alone in a parlor with a strong glass of scotch. It's playfully heartbreaking. Either way you look at it, the song is beautiful and Dean does an excellent job in his effortless translation.
Next up Sam Cooke. Ehhhhh...he's aiiiight. Nothing special...only like one of the best voices EVAR!!!! Sorry..*Puts shirt back on* Sam's choice to stretch, elongate and slow the pace of the song lends itself to a more emotional interpretation. Whereas Dean's was smoothly paced, sashaying along with the music, Sam seems to take a more laconic approach, taking his time to imbue each lyric with more bravado. His pure voice is easily able to caress each lyric and instill it with more heartbreak than Dean's. The way he uses the smoothness and purity of his voice to ride the lyrics seems to punch the song up. From the start, the first music note followed immediately by the way he dips into that first lyric is captivating. The backing music seems secondary to the prowess of Sam's voice. While Dean's is applaudable because it seems effortless, Sam's is superior because of the obvious effort that he put forth. Sam's version is just an excellent display of singing, that's a pretty song, that's a great singer, that's how you do it. The phrasing is perfect, and I can't think of a note that I would change. I love the way he stretches the words out, the perfect pitch of his voice is heart melting poppy musical goodness. So for me Sam wins, who didn't see that coming?
Way more contenders and way less words begins now.
Ever heard of this Sinatra guy? He can kind of hold his own.
Esna, Paul Dateh, and Ken Belcher take a swing at it.
Lisa Ono's take...I have no idea who she is.
Hands down winner...Rod Stewart
Nat King Cole live, Nat's always a contender in my book.
Nat's daughter, Natalie Cole.
I am a Blossom Dearie fan.
Keely Smith, who used to get down with Louis Prima. Might be the strongest female contender.
Dusty Springfield live. Not bad...
I am a fan of George's aunt, but mostly in her younger years. Unlike Nat her smokey voice does not endear her to me, it makes her sound worse in my opinion.
Chaka Khaaaan, I just wanted to say that.
Gloria Lynne
Kathy Kirby, actually pretty good. But maybe a bit too talky on some notes.
No clue who this is.
Uhh wow good job dude in his bedroom. Seriously, I really like this version.
Twolcott dropped a country mix a little while ago in this post right here. If you didn't grab it then please do so now...it's fine, I'll wait. We have similar beliefs on country music. I used to say that exact same thing, "Anything but country." Greybush trivia fact, the first CD that I ever listened to was a George Strait CD. My brother had gotten it in a prize pack at a high school basketball game or something. I believe we had just gotten a CD player but I was holding tight to my tapes, because technological evolution sucks. So when I say I don't like country that's the sort of shit I am talking about. Him and Dwight Yokham, Randy Travis, Allan Jackson. Those dudes and also almost everything modern, Kenny Chesney, Toby Keith, yeah no thanks, I get why girls like the new stuff, it's just not for me. That picture of Kenny is creepy as fuck too. I would totally do Carrie Underwood though...oh and she has quite the voice.
When, Twolcott, who needs a better name, told me he was doing a country mix, I said, "OH EM GEE me too!!" I squealed and jumped a little when I said it and then tried to grab his hands like I have seen girlfriends do in the movies after a shared exclamation, but he would have none of that. I applaud his restraint and his awareness of the fact that he is not a character in a Rom Com, should that be hyphenated? Is it capitalized? Should I just never use that word again?
I saw Mayer Hawthorne on Thursday night at the Warfield. He sounded really good but he did a pretty short set since he was slotted as the opener for Passion Pit. He busted out the ELO cover of "Mr. Blue Sky" that Jeffro covered in this post though and ripped it. What surprised me was the fact that he didn't do his cover of, "I Left My Heart in San Francisco." You know the one that was discussed here. The one that he was releasing on heart shaped USBs because it was his last tour stop. Figured he would have worked that shit in somehow but maybe he let it out at the after party that I did not attend.
Either way the set was solid and I got the shirt/usb package dealy, which I will now share with you, you can wear the shirt on alternate Tuesdays.
"I Left My Heart in San Francisco" Audience Participation/song battle and downloads after the jump.
