It's true you can call me a Grinch or a Scrooge if you want to. I really don't care. I have nothing against the commercialization of the holiday, that's actually my favorite part. Here is why I don't like Christmas music, I just take issue with songs that suck. Simple as that, I don't hate Christmas, just shitty songs, and at what time of year do radio stations play non-stop shitty songs? The correct answer is all year, but what I mean is when do they play extra shitty songs? That's right during Christmas.
You can not tell me that Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer is a good song. You can say it's a sentimental song, that it's tied back to your youth and reminds you of your sugary sweet childhood and your Eddie Bauer turtlenecks, but you can't say that it's a good song. It's corny, it's maaaad corny. Fuck Frosty, Grandma got ran over by a reindeer? Seriously? Who needs to hear that bullshit? It's gross, not in subject matter but just in general.
I used to work in a mall, they played Christmas music during the holidays. Kind of expected, I can deal with that. Most of the songs irritated me, some infuriated me. This one sticks out as one of the worst songs I have ever heard, Christmas themed or otherwise.
You want an alien for Christmas? I hate you. Good news though, this song still gets played because regardless of whether or not a song sucks, if you mention snow, some jackass will put it on a, "Now That's What I Call shitty Christmas Music vol. 68." Other honorable mentions for worst Christmas music, The New Kids On The Block and the entire, "Funky, Funky Christmas" album and Bob Dylan with his weird holiday album. Do we really need to hear Bob growling about Santa Claus?
Now with all that being said, I would be remiss to not acknowledge that .02 percent of Christmas music that doesn't entirely suck. Someone would yell at me if I didn't mention, "All I Want For Christmas Is You," by Mariah Carey. It doesn't suck Jingle Bells sized balls, and I acknowledge it as a well executed Christmas song. But I am more of a Dean Martin, "Baby It's Cold Outside" kind of guy. Nat King Cole can sing about whatever he wants too, chestnuts on fires. Hmm, sounds like a horrible idea for a song, but Nat will make it work. The, "Charlie Brown Christmas" soundtrack is also extremely well done. I am a sucker for Vince Guaraldi. I am also a fan of Mayer Hawthorne. You might be able to tell with his mention in every other post. Anyway, two of the things that I like; Vince and Mayer are united on this song, "Christmas Time Is Here." Mayer just posted it yesterday and, shieet even I can't be mad at it. Merry Christmas. *Adjusts turtleneck*
Here's what Mayer had to say, "All the best Christmas songs were written by Jews, and Chanukah songs suck. This is my favorite Christmas tune, sung over the Vince Guaraldi instrumental." Mayer Hawthorne - Christmas Time Is Here by Mayer Hawthorne
The whole neighborhood's power was out for several hours the other night. I headed up to the roof with my ipod to relax and look out at the darkened quadrant that was my neighborhood. I was only alone momentarily though, a meandering stream of neighbors soon made their way up to the roof as well. There is quite a random smattering of characters that are housed in my building. One piece of sample dialogue, "I was a freebase guy so I freebased it." Alright, thanks for that Mr. building manager. Once talk devolved into the correct way to deal with an addiction...boooring!! I headed back inside. I set up some candles, put the ipod on and just relaxed for awhile.
The only problems facing me were the facts that my ipod had super low battery life, and my phone had one bar on its battery. So I couldn't text anyone, I was afraid it would die from extraneous use and I would need it for an alarm if the power didn't return before the morning. My only viable option for entertainment was to ride my ipod into the ground, suck out whatever music I could from it before my entire apartment went back to the dark ages. I should invest in a hand cranked record player. So here is a small mix of what I listened to sitting around my candle lit apartment before my ipod died and I decided to damage my eyes by getting my Johnny Tremain on and reading by candlelight.
I see you Gertrude, shaking dat azz!! *Points at old lady in a chair gumming her boiled carrots.* These right here are "Jams Fo Yo Grams," or lullabies for teenagers. They have a little bit of oomph for old people music, they might get your false hip a swaying. Make your blue permed hair stand on edge. Just don't try and spin this mix for the 8th graders, they like stuff like the Real McCoy, songs sung by Germans about Tawk Tawking and running away to "Another Night." At least that's how it was in my day, minus the liking German's part, we sort of had issues with them in my day, but that's a story for another day.
Seriously? This was popular? The 90's were gross.
That was like showing you the 3 so you consider sleeping with the 5 at the bar. I apologize for that, as a child of that exact type of catastrophe, I can say that it doesn't end well for anyone. But hey, now anything you listen to will sound that much better, it's only through the bitter that we can appreciate the sweet. This track from the mix is a 10 no matter what though so that whole exercise was pretty pointless. I just wanted to take you back to that awkward cafeteria of segregated genders awkwardly gyrating in a stand off, the smell of fake smoke and puberty wafting through the air.
